Everyone experiences disappointment at some point. You might miss a goal, not get a job or go through a relationship change. You may work hard and still not get the grade you wanted. These moments can be upsetting and feel personal, even when they are part of everyday life.
Elite athletes face similar feelings all the time. Even at the highest levels of sports, success is never guaranteed. Years of training can still end in missed opportunities, lost competitions or unexpected setbacks.
What makes these athletes different is how they respond. They don’t ignore disappointment or act like it doesn’t matter. Instead, they acknowledge it, learn from it and then move forward with intention.
You don’t have to be a professional or Olympic athlete to do the same. We talked with Tyler Vestal, MD, a psychiatrist at Banner Health, to learn how athletes handle disappointment and how you can, too.
Why does disappointment and failure feel so intense?
Disappointment often brings strong emotional reactions. You might feel:
- Sadness
- Frustration
- Embarrassment
- Self-doubt
“These feelings are normal,” Dr. Vestal said. “The brain can treat failure as a threat. When things don't go as planned, your mind might connect it to who you are or your self-worth.”
On top of that, comparison can make things worse. Seeing others succeed, especially in high-pressure environments, can make you feel like you're not good enough.
That’s why small setbacks can seem much bigger than they really are. Your emotional reaction isn’t a weakness. It’s a normal response to these feelings not being met.
What athletes get right about handling failure
Athletes don’t have the luxury of staying stuck in their feelings. They usually must compete again just days after a tough performance. Because of this, they’ve developed real, practical tools for processing setbacks fast.
[Also read: How Athletes Can Overcome Sudden Performance Anxiety.]
Here are three of these tools that you can start using today.
Strategy 1: Set a grief window
“A grief window is a set amount of time when you allow yourself to fully feel disappointment,” Dr. Vestal said. “There is no pushing it away and no pretending everything is fine. You simply let yourself feel what happened.”
You choose a start and end time. During that time, you allow yourself to feel all the feelings (whether it’s frustration, sadness, anger or embarrassment). This helps prevent emotions from building up. Instead of carrying disappointment for days or weeks, you give it a defined space.
How to use it in real life
- Set a time limit (an hour, an afternoon or a full day)
- Let yourself feel the disappointment fully
- Journal, talk it out or sit quietly with your thoughts
- When the time is up, shift your attention to your next step
“This doesn’t erase the emotions but it helps prevent it from taking over,” Dr. Vestal said.
Strategy 2: Separate the performance from the person
One of the hardest things about failure is how it can feel very personal. When you fail at something, your mind quickly jumps to a negative thought. It’s easy to go from saying “that didn’t go well” to thinking “I’m not good enough.”
This leap takes a moment in time and turns it into a permanent identity. Once you believe you are a failure, it can feel almost impossible to get back up.
For top athletes, one event does not define them. A skier who crashes in a downhill race is not a bad skier; they just had a bad run. A sprinter who falls during a race is not a failure; they simply fell.
How to use it in real life
Next time you don’t do as well as you'd like, say out loud: “I didn’t perform the way I wanted to. That isn’t who I am.” or “This didn’t work as I expected but I can learn from it.” You can say this a few times if you need to.
Strategy 3: Reflect and don’t ruminate
After disappointment, it’s normal to think about what happened. But there’s a difference between healthy reflection and unhealthy overthinking.
Dr. Vestal says that reflection helps you learn and grow, while overthinking keeps you stuck. The important thing is to focus on learning from the experience, not on thinking about it over and over again.
The best athletes look back after every game, whether they won or lost. They watch videos of their game, talk with their coaches and ask honest questions. Then they use what they learn to improve. Not to punish themselves but to get better.
How to use it in real life
- Wait until after the grief window to think about what happened
- Use a journal, talk to a trusted friend or spend quiet time alone
- Be kind to yourself like a good coach by being honest but gentle and supportive
- Ask yourself what went well, what didn't and what you can do differently next time
- Remember, mistakes are just useful information, not a measure of your worth
Build a reset routine after disappointment
Moving forward doesn’t mean you have to change your whole life. It usually starts with small, steady steps. A simple reset routine can help your mind and body recover.
Step 1: Regulate your body
Start by calming your physical stress response. When your body settles, your mind becomes clearer.
- Take a short walk
- Focus on slow breathing
- Get rest, if needed
Step 2: Reconnect with your routine
Disappointment can make you want to withdraw. Instead, try to return to normal habits. Routine helps restore stability.
- Eat regular meals
- Stick to your schedule
- Stay connected to daily responsibilities
Step 3: Take one small next step
Choose one simple action that moves you forward. Progress does not need to be big or to be meaningful.
- Send an email
- Try again tomorrow
- Make a plan for the week
People face setbacks every day
You don’t need to be an Olympic athlete to feel disappointed. They happen in many parts of life.
At work or school
- Missing a deadline
- Receiving feedback that is hard to hear
- Not meeting a goal
In relationships
- Misunderstandings
- Conflict or distance
- Feeling unheard
Personal goals
- Health setbacks
- Fitness plateaus
- Lifestyle changes that feel hard
In all of these situations, the same strategies apply: feel it, reflect on it and take a small step forward.
When disappointment may be affecting your mental health
Sometimes disappointment doesn’t go away quickly. If you feel upset for a long time or it starts to affect your daily life, you might need more support.
Look out for:
- Ongoing hopelessness
- Low motivation
- Anxiety or persistent worry
- Difficulty moving on
If problems like these are affecting your daily life, talk to a behavioral health provider. They can give you tools to manage emotions and rebuild confidence.
Bottom line
Disappointment will happen. That’s part of life but it doesn’t define you. You are not your worst moment or your biggest mistake. You are someone who can learn, adjust and try again.
Like Olympic athletes, you can feel sad about a loss, learn from it and keep moving forward. The next step you take is very important.
If disappointment or setbacks are affecting your mental health, a Banner Health behavioral health specialist can help you learn healthy ways to cope and move forward.
