As you go through life, some of your relationships will come to an end. Maybe you and a romantic partner break up. Perhaps a close friendship doesn’t survive a fight. Or it could be that a loved one passes away.
Whenever a relationship ends, it’s natural to seek closure. Many people believe closure will resolve unanswered questions and give them some emotional peace.
In reality, closure is often an illusion. Relationships don’t usually end with neat conclusions and waiting for one can keep you emotionally stuck. Instead of chasing closure, it’s better to focus on healing, acceptance and personal growth.
“Far too often, we place our happiness or power in the hands of others. As human beings with a wide range of emotions, we allow our emotions to consume us,” said Aunisha Bailey, a case manager with Banner Behavioral Health. "We fail to realize that we have the answers that we are seeking. We just refuse to accept them because we disagree or are in disbelief."
The myth of closure
Many people see closure as the final piece of emotional healing. Movies and books often present the idea that one last conversation, apology or realization is what you need to move on after a relationship ends.
But in real life, relationships don’t usually end that neatly. And even if you get some form of closure, it may not bring the emotional peace you expect. You may still be in pain even if you understand why a relationship ended.
“An excessive focus on closure is an unhealthy way of holding on. When we constantly seek closure, we are seeking the expectation that the other party will respond in ways that we see fit. This is not realistic and sets us up for further disappointment and hurt,” Bailey said.
Why closure isn’t always possible
You may struggle to move forward because you believe closure is necessary. Here’s why that belief can be misleading:
- Not all endings come with answers: Some relationships end suddenly or without explanation. Friendships can fade, breakups may happen when you don’t see them coming and death can take loved ones without any warning. "We may believe that because a relationship has ended, and the other party is not willing to provide us with closure or because a loved one has died, we will not receive closure," Bailey said. But you can’t count on someone else’s actions.
- Emotions can be overwhelming: As human beings, our emotions can be distorted, leading us to feel consumed by unresolved feelings.
- Knowing why doesn’t always help: Emotions don’t work like a switch. Understanding why something ended doesn’t erase the pain. It’s an ongoing process.
- Focusing on closure can delay healing: Seeking closure can keep you tied to the past instead of taking control of your emotional well-being.
What to focus on instead of closure
Instead of waiting for closure, try shifting your energy toward self-care, acceptance and personal growth:
- Focus on yourself: "Your mental and physical well-being are of great importance," Bailey said. Redirect your energy to what’s within your control.
- Reframe the situation: Consider what the relationship taught you. Allow yourself to feel and process emotions like sadness or anger without judging them or yourself. Holding emotions inside only makes it take longer to heal.
- Reflect on what you learned: Even painful endings can teach valuable lessons about yourself and your relationships.
- Peacefully let go: Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It means making space for new growth while honoring the past and processing your grief. Recognize that you may not resolve all of your emotions.
- Engage in activities that bring you joy: Spend time on hobbies, relationships and self-care to help create a sense of balance and fulfillment.
- Let go of the need for a final conversation: You don’t need someone else’s permission or explanation to move on.
Healthy ways to move forward
Even if closure isn’t realistic, there are still steps you can take to heal:
- Try journaling or therapy: Writing down your thoughts or working with a therapist can help you process your emotions.
- Strengthen your other relationships: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family.
- Practice mindfulness: Techniques like meditation or deep breathing can help you stay present rather than dwelling on the past.
- Set new goals for yourself: Create meaning from the experience by focusing on your personal growth, helping others or remembering the positive aspects of the relationship.
When to seek support
Sometimes, emotions can feel overwhelming and affect your daily life. If this happens, it may be time to get professional help. "You should seek professional support when the intensity of your emotions produces behavioral outcomes that are causing you painful consequences," Bailey said.
Reach out for help if you are:
- Feeling sad, angry or resentful for a long time
- Replaying the past relationship over and over
- Feeling unworthy or blaming yourself
- Isolating yourself
- Taking part in risky behaviors, struggling to take care of yourself or to function in daily life
Therapists can offer healthy coping strategies to help you move forward. Support groups can also help, especially with navigating grief.
The bottom line
You don’t need closure to heal. In many cases, it’s not even realistic. "An excessive focus on closure is an unhealthy way of holding on,” Bailey said.
Instead of waiting for answers, focus on acceptance, reflection and self-care. By letting go of the need for closure and focusing on your emotional well-being, you can create your own path to peace and resilience.
If you’re finding it hard to move forward, talk to your health care provider or an expert at Banner Health for professional guidance tailored to your needs.
