In geography, a boundary is a real or imaginary line that separates different regions of the Earth. Things like rivers, mountain ranges and oceans all serve as physical boundaries, while state and country borders serve as imaginary boundaries.
When it comes to our own personal relationships with others, however, boundaries aren’t always so cut and dry. Most of the time, we don’t have a literal barrier or a large geographical separation between us and other people. At times, it can be difficult to identify when our boundaries are being crossed. We may even fear the consequences of setting them.
Other than being told to “keep our hands to ourselves,” most of us never learned how to set personal boundaries. But setting healthy boundaries can lay the groundwork for healthy relationships with others—whether it’s with a friend or family member, coworker or boss or strangers you encounter.
What are healthy personal boundaries?
A boundary is a limit and a rule we set within relationships that helps each individual define what they will or will not allow. Most importantly, boundaries are set for yourself, not for others.
“A barrier for some people in setting healthy emotional boundaries for themselves is that boundaries are selfish,” said Brendon Comer, a licensed clinical social worker with Banner Health. “The reality is that boundaries can help us feel more connected and safer in relationships by being clear where we stand.”
Boundaries help define you as a person and create mental space for you to exist. Healthy boundaries allow you to achieve goals you set for yourself and understand your own preferences and opinions, and then act on them. Your self-worth is closely tied to the choices you make and how you act on them. Those actions come from your values and principles that define you.
Why healthy relationship boundaries matter
Boundaries give you room to live without the intrusion of another person’s thoughts, opinions or needs overwhelming you.
“Ideally in relationships, other people will support and respect our needs,” Comer said. “In setting and practicing healthy boundaries, we teach people how to treat us, what’s ok and what’s not ok.”
[Read “Do Poor Relationships Affect Your Physical Health?”]
What do weak boundaries look like?
If you have a lack of personal boundaries, you probably sense that already. But you may not be fully aware of just how weak they’ve become. Twelve signs that could indicate you need stronger boundaries include:
- You have the chronic inability to say no (a people pleaser).
- You fail to speak up when you’re treated badly (lack of assertiveness).
- You have a toxic relationship (i.e., letting others direct your life; they habitually take, take, take).
- You feel responsible for other people’s feelings or behaviors.
- You harbor anger or resentment toward others for not reading your mind and meeting your needs automatically.
- You over-share details about your life with others.
- You value other people’s opinions more than your own.
- You struggle to make decisions, express your opinions or stand by your values.
- You put others’ needs before your own.
- You are the target of any form of abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, verbal, or you or the other person abuses substances, alcohol or food.
- You are abusing others or violating reasonable boundaries with them.
- You depend on others to rescue you from painful emotions.
- You neglect your own self-care, mental health, nutrition, exercise, sleep or finances.
How to set and maintain healthy boundaries
Now that you have a clearer idea of what healthy boundaries look like – and signs yours may need work – you may wonder how exactly to set and maintain them.
Start small and stay consistent.
If you’re new to setting boundaries, it may feel uncomfortable at first. But like any skill, it gets easier with time and practice. Focus on one or two areas to begin with, then build from there.
Here are five steps to help you get started.
1. Recognize your limits
Understand that boundaries are set on you and not on others. You can’t change others. You aren’t responsible for what they do, say or how they even react. Since you can’t change others, change yourself.
“Boundaries are not demands or threats,” Comer said. “In practicing healthy boundaries, we are taking responsibility for our own feelings and releasing ownership of others’ feelings, which are their own.”
2. Listen to your thoughts and emotions
Often, personal boundaries are given up gradually – you give a little, then a little bit more, until finally you’re exhausted and upset by how little time and energy you have for yourself.
Some questions to ask yourself:
- Have I violated my own moral values?
- How effective am I in basic self-care of my physical, emotional and spiritual life? Am I aware and listening to my emotions?
- Do I respect myself and others in my life?
- What are some things I’d like to stop doing? What are things I’d like to start doing? Are there some healthy actions and choices I’m currently doing that I want to continue?
- For boundaries, what is getting in the way of me taking action?
3. Say what you mean and mean what you say
The most important, and sometimes the hardest, is clearly communicating your boundaries with others to avoid confusion. Be firm, stay calm and kind – but don’t apologize or over-explain.
Be sure that your actions are not self-serving, at the expense of others. Your interactions shouldn’t be about “winning” or taking as much as possible. Consider what’s fair for everyone, given the setting and relationship.
4. Reinforce your boundary
Change takes time, so don’t expect overnight results. Your boundaries won’t carry much weight if you don’t reinforce them. Set realistic consequences before the boundary is violated. If you promised to remove a certain privilege if a boundary is broken, follow through.
“Maintaining boundaries requires consistency and resolve,” Comer said. “Sometimes other people will be supportive of your personal boundaries and other times your boundaries may feel negative or threatening to their emotional systems.”
If it starts to become overwhelming, seek guidance from a neutral party, such as a licensed behavioral health specialist, who can objectively look at your situation and help you through the process.
5. Reconsider the relationship
If the other person truly values and respects you, and your boundary is something any reasonable person would support, they will respect your boundary. If they refuse, you have all the information you need about what the future holds if you stay in the relationship.
“Ending unhealthy or toxic relationships can be addition-by-subtraction, opening up more room in your life for people that will consistently respect and support you,” Comer said.
If you need help navigating this decision, this is also another time to seek guidance.
The bottom line on setting boundaries
Setting boundaries can be difficult, but it’s worth it—you’re worth it. Healthy boundaries are the foundation to healthy relationships and self-preservation.
If you feel like you’re being taken advantage of, are unhappy, resentful, insecure or have lost all sense of self, think about whether you have healthy boundaries or need to set new ones.
“As in so much of life, balance is key with healthy relationships,” Comer said. “Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries gives us opportunities to pursue balance.”
When to get extra support
If you're struggling with boundaries or relationships, you're not alone. A licensed behavioral health specialist can help. Find support at Banner Health.
