When you’re talking with someone who has Alzheimer’s disease or dementia, you might not be sure of what to say or how your words will be received. Even when you mean well, you might accidentally make the person feel frustrated, sad or angry.
These tips can help you recognize common communication pitfalls and connect with compassion and understanding instead.
How Alzheimer’s affects communication
Alzheimer’s disease affects memory, thinking and how people understand language. Depending on the stage of the illness, your loved one may:
- Repeat questions
- Forget recent events
- Have less insight and awareness
- Miss nuances or body language cues
- Have trouble following a conversation
- Misremember things
- Become confused about time or place
It can be helpful to keep these issues in mind when you’re communicating. That way, you can avoid saying something that could make the moment harder.
“Dementia has ups and downs and swings from day to day or even hour to hour,” said Barbara Johnson, a family and community services navigator with Banner Alzheimer’s Institute. “One day, the person will be able to participate as they always have but the next day, they will not. It makes it a challenge in how we interact, because you never know which person they will be today.”
The top phrase you should try to eliminate
“The big phrase to avoid is, ‘You remember when...’,” Johnson said. “It is second nature when you are trying to clarify or repeat something to use this phrase. It can be difficult to change this pattern and it takes time and practice.”
But memory loss is one of the most difficult parts of Alzheimer’s. Pointing it out can feel frustrating or embarrassing.
You might want to say, “You remember when I told you yesterday that we have plans tonight with our friends?” Johnson recommends stating the information as a fact instead: “We have plans for dinner tonight at 6 pm with our friends.” She points out that it is also important to be careful with your tone, so the person doesn’t perceive any frustration, impatience or negativity.
“A caregiver once told me, ‘I have to remember that it may be the sixth time I am answering the same question, but for him it is still the first time.’ That statement has always stayed with me,” Johnson said.
Common phrases to avoid, and what to say instead
Here are a few common phrases that may seem harmless but can cause unnecessary stress. Try the alternatives to support clearer, more respectful communication that focuses on feelings more than facts. Being present and kind matters more than getting things right.
Don’t say: “You already told me that.”
Try instead: “Thanks for sharing that with me.”
Why: Repetition is common and people with dementia don’t do it on purpose. Try not to interrupt them, since that may seem dismissive.
Don’t say: “That didn’t happen.”
Try instead: “That sounds important to you.”
Why: Arguing about facts can make the person feel confused or distressed. What they are feeling is real to them.
Don’t say: “What did you have for lunch?”
Try instead: “Was today a good day?”
Why: Specific questions may be hard to answer. Broad questions feel less like a test.
Don’t say: “You don’t look like you have Alzheimer’s.”
Try instead: “How are you feeling today?”
Why: Focus on the person, not the condition.
More helpful ways to connect
Communication can be easier if you:
- Speak slowly and clearly using simple language.
- Smile and make eye contact.
- Avoid arguing or correcting.
- Include music, photos or familiar routines.
- Be sure they can hear you. Try not to shout from another room and check that they are wearing their hearing aids, if they use them.
- Offer reassurance with a calm voice and gentle touch.
“I like to think about using all the senses to connect. Using touch, like a hug, in addition to words can make a difference,” Johnson said.
She also recommends choosing to communicate when it’s best for them: “Are they cold, hungry or tired? Make sure they are comfortable. If someone is tired at the end of the day, it may not be the best time to discuss finances. Planning ahead for these types of conversations can be very helpful.”
Try to use words that focus on what they can do, not their struggles. “Lifting them up emotionally and focusing on what makes them special can go a long way,” Johnson said.
You won’t get it right every time and that’s okay. What matters most is that your loved one feels supported and safe.
Be kind to yourself, too
Alzheimer’s is a journey and you need to care for yourself along with your loved one. “Leaning on a support system helps caregivers give themselves grace,” Johnson said.
- A family member or close friend can provide compassion and understanding.
- A support group for caregivers who are caring for a loved one with dementia can be validating and help you learn positive ways to communicate and to cope with new behaviors and changes.
- Supporting others who are also making mistakes along the way can help you not feel so alone.
- Working with a social worker can help you work through your grief and loss.
“Dementia is a family disease. It impacts the immediate and extended family. Being proactive, learning what you can and leaning on your support system is imperative,” Johnson said.
How Banner Health can help
At Banner Health, we offer support for people with Alzheimer’s disease and dementia and those who care for them. Connect with one of our memory care specialists for help with the challenges you face. We can help you navigate each step with compassion.
For more caregiver support, listen to our Dementia Untangled podcast.
