Losing someone suddenly can feel like the ground has been pulled out from under you. The person who died might be a loved one, a friend or someone you deeply care about. You may feel shock, fear or disbelief in addition to sadness and grief.
“Grief after a sudden or traumatic death is often more layered than grief from an expected loss,” said Mairead McConnell, PhD, a psychologist with Banner - University Medicine. “After a traumatic loss, people carry both the absence of their loved one and the weight of the event itself.”
Some people may experience guilt if the loss is perceived as preventable. They might also feel trauma (including flashbacks) from witnessing or learning about the event or fear the same thing could happen to them.
Even though everyone’s grief is unique, there are ways to cope and take care of yourself. Whether you’re grieving now or supporting someone who is, learn what is normal after a sudden loss, healthy ways to cope, how to deal with guilt and how friends or family can offer support.
What grief after a sudden loss looks like
You may have heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While each of these stages is normal, you may not experience them at all and they rarely play out in that order.
In traumatic loss, grief is more likely to come in messy, overlapping waves, looping back and side-stepping. Reactions may include:
- Shock and disbelief: Feeling numb is your brain’s way of protecting you from too much pain at once.
- Sadness and despair: Tears and emptiness are common. It’s okay to cry and feel sad.
- Fear and anxiety: You may feel unsafe or worry about losing someone else.
- Anger and frustration: You may feel angry at the situation, the world and even the person who died.
- Guilt or “what-if” thoughts: “It’s common to have ‘if only I had done____, it would have turned out differently,’ as an attempt to create a different outcome,” Dr. McConnell said. “But it’s important to remember that feelings of guilt do not mean you’ve done something wrong. It means you cared deeply.”
All these feelings are normal. There are no good or bad emotions and no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone’s journey through grief is different.
Physical reactions are normal, too. Grief affects your whole body. You might notice:
- Fatigue or exhaustion
- Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
- Loss of appetite or eating more than usual
- Headaches, stomach aches or tension
- Difficulty concentrating
Coping strategies that can help
When faced with a sudden loss, it’s important to find ways to cope that work for you. It’s a personal process that unfolds over time.
Give yourself permission to feel
One of the hardest things after a sudden loss is allowing yourself to feel what you feel. It’s natural to want to push away painful emotions but grief needs space.
- Cry, scream or journal: Physical expression helps release intense emotions.
- Notice your body: Grief can show up in tension, fatigue or stomach pain. Pay attention to your physical responses.
- Accept all feelings: You might feel happy, guilty, angry or numb and that’s okay. Remember that grief isn’t linear.
“You don’t have to follow a timeline,” Dr. McConnell said. “Your grief may show up in waves and it’s important to honor each emotion without judgment.”
Build a support system
Traumatic loss can make you feel alone and isolated. Lean on others, so you don’t have to go through this alone.
- Talk to trusted friends or family: Choose people who listen without judgment and let you express your emotions.
- Join a support group: Being around people who’ve experienced similar losses can normalize your feelings and give you a sense of community.
- Consider professional help: Doctors and therapists trained in trauma and grief can provide coping tools and help prevent prolonged grief disorder or persistent complex bereavement disorder.
Even small connections matter. A friend who checks in daily or a neighbor who sits with you in silence can make a big difference.
Go back to basics
Traumatic grief affects not just your mind but also your body. Stress can cause insomnia, appetite changes and even physical pain. Taking care of your body is part of healing.
- Rest when you can: Sleep might be difficult but short naps or quiet moments can help.
- Eat regularly: Nourish your body with simple meals to give you the energy you need to cope.
- Move gently: Walking, stretching or light exercise can release tension and improve mood.
- Avoid harmful coping: Alcohol, drugs, or self-isolation may provide short-term relief but they can make grief harder in the long run.
Honor your friend or loved one
Celebrate their life through photos, letters, rituals or sharing stories. Keeping their memory alive is part of the healing process.
Take small steps forward
Traumatic loss can turn your life upside down for some time. If you feel “stuck” in grief, give yourself grace. Know that this takes time and effort.
“The goal is not to ‘move on’ and leave the person or the loss behind you,” Dr. McConnell said. “Healing means carrying both the love and loss forward into a life that is meaningful.”
If you are ready for something to shift, try one small thing you haven’t done before. This might include:
- Attending a support group
- Calling a friend
- Taking yourself out for a meal
- Going for a walk
One small step can be the first step forward.
Supporting someone else who is grieving
If you know someone who has experienced a traumatic loss, here’s how to help:
- Listen without judgment: Don’t give advice unless asked. Simply being present matters.
- Offer practical help: Bring meals, help with chores or run errands.
- Check in regularly: Grief doesn’t end after a funeral. Keep offering support, even months later.
- Avoid platitudes: “Try not to use phrases like ‘they’re in a better place’ and don’t impose your beliefs,” Dr. McConnell said. “Instead, listen and validate how they are feeling. Don’t put expectations or a timeline on anyone’s grief. Healing is not linear and may not look how you expect.”
You are not alone
While many people gradually find their footing after loss, sometimes grief can become overwhelming or prolonged. If your grief ever feels unbearable or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, seek help immediately.
Reach out to Banner Behavioral Health for more information and resources at 602-254-4357. If you or a loved one are having suicidal thoughts, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.
Takeaway
When someone dies from a suicide, car accident, overdose, pandemic or other sudden loss, it can be very difficult for those who remain. It can feel overwhelming, confusing and isolating.
Remember, there is no timetable, no right way to grieve and no reason to judge yourself for how you feel. Take your time, honor your emotions and allow yourself to carry the love and memory of your loved one forward into a life that remains meaningful.
