Relationships with family members are all different, whether it’s a parent and a child, a brother and a sister or two partners. Sometimes, those relationships are healthy.
“In a healthy relationship, both people want to spend time together. The people within the relationship depend on and need one another,” said Jerimya Fox, a licensed professional counselor and doctor of behavioral health with Banner Health. “Partners contribute equally, but each is responsible for themselves. Each person in the relationship has a clear sense of self.”
Healthy relationships have open communication, clear personal boundaries and respect for each other. Each person is independent and has their own emotional life.
That’s not the case with enmeshment. “In an enmeshed relationship, people are completely intertwined in an unhealthy way,” Dr. Fox said. With enmeshment, the boundaries between people in the relationship could be blurred or not exist at all.
You might notice these signs:
- Trouble making decisions without the other person
- Feeling responsible for the other’s emotions
- A sense of losing your identity in the relationship
- Giving the other person control over your life
- Feeling guilty or selfish when you prioritize yourself
- Doing more in the relationship to get the other person’s approval
- Accepting other people’s choices instead of making your own
- Not feeling clear about who you are outside of your relationship
- Being overly involved in each other’s lives
- Not being able to recognize your own feelings
Enmeshment can make it hard for you to grow as a person and have healthy emotional well-being and self-esteem. It can be linked with other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, substance misuse or abuse and eating disorders.
Here are some examples of behaviors you might see in enmeshment:
- An adult child has to talk to her mother before she makes decisions.
- A parent calls an interviewer to ask why their child didn’t get hired for a job.
- A person doesn’t know what they like to do and only does what their friends want to do.
What causes enmeshment?
Understanding what might be causing enmeshment can help you address it. Certain issues can lead to enmeshment, such as:
- Having parents who are too protective
- Depending on others emotionally
- Fear of being abandoned
- Childhood trauma
“Childhood trauma can make people believe they need to hide who they really are and conform so they are acceptable to others and to themselves,” Dr. Fox said.
What’s the difference between enmeshment and codependency?
Enmeshment might seem like codependency, but they’re not exactly the same. Knowing how codependency and enmeshment are different is important for having healthier relationships.
- Codependency is when one person relies on another for their self-worth and identity. Their life may revolve around meeting the needs of the other person. They do more work in the relationship and then feel angry and resentful. They may try to control the other person as a way to meet their own needs.
- Enmeshment is when the boundaries in a relationship are blurred, so people don’t have their own identity. The emotions and actions of one person are tangled with those of the other.
“Enmeshment refers to a family dynamic, while codependency refers to one person’s behavior in a relationship. However, because they don’t have a healthy sense of self, people who are codependent often find themselves in enmeshed relationships,” Dr. Fox said.
Here are some differences in these types of relationships:
Boundaries
- Codependent people may sacrifice their own needs to meet the needs of the other person.
- Enmeshed people may have unclear boundaries or no boundaries at all. That makes it hard for them to tell the difference between their own feelings and the other person’s feelings.
Independence
- With codependency, one person often depends on the other person’s approval and validation for their self-worth.
- Enmeshment may make a person feel dependent on the relationship itself, so it’s hard for them to function on their own.
Emotions
- Codependency may lead to resentment, feeling exhausted and not paying attention to your own needs.
- Enmeshment may lead to losing your identity and having trouble making your own decisions.
Communication
- Codependent relationships may involve taking care of others and enabling their behaviors. Communication often centers around what the other person needs.
- Enmeshed relationships may have high emotional intensity. Communication often centers on connecting emotionally.
Breaking free from enmeshment
It’s important to have your own identity in your relationships. In a healthy relationship, you can explore your passions and grow as a person. If you spot signs of enmeshment in a relationship, these steps can help:
- Set boundaries: You need to learn to set boundaries if you’re going to change your relationship.
- Discover who you are: With enmeshment, you may not have a strong sense of self. So, you may need to figure out what your interests, goals or strengths are.
- Stop feeling guilty: Guilt can keep you from breaking free of an enmeshed relationship.
- Practice self-care: It’s important to take care of yourself when you are working on enmeshment in a relationship.
If you see signs of codependency or enmeshment in your relationships, you may want to get professional help. It can be hard to solve these problems on your own. Mental health professionals can guide you and give you tools that can help.
There are differences in the way these conditions are treated:
- Treating codependency focuses on building self-esteem, setting healthy boundaries and learning to meet your own needs.
- Treating enmeshment is centered around establishing boundaries, growing personal identities and promoting independence in the relationship.
The bottom line
In an enmeshed relationship, there are few or no boundaries between you and the other person. It can be hard for you to have your own thoughts or take your own actions.
“Breaking free from an enmeshed relationship can be a challenge, but it is possible,” Dr. Fox said. Setting boundaries and taking time to figure out what you think and who you are can help.
A behavioral health specialist can guide you and give you the tools to break free from enmeshment. To connect with an expert, reach out to Banner Health.
